We Are Asked To Face Our Abuser
yet again...
Children of abuse are asked by their lives to go back, again and again, to face, yet again their abusers and all of those places tainted by the memories of that past that they survived, that cloud of constant fear, the threats and insults they survived. It is weighty work, and requires breathing through memory triggered panic attacks that appear from out of nowhere.
This election cycle feels very much like that for many. We don’t want to go back. We don’t want to be treated the way we were, ever again, the ways we survived, taunted, threatened, punished, made fun of. ‘Snowflakes’, ‘Libtards’, ‘Liberal Tears’, ‘alternate facts, ‘fuck your feelings.’
We are made just as achey by the thought of those we love being treated that way, by our beloved country being treated that way.
I’m watching many good and decent people who are struggling with how close this race is, how narrow the odds of having to swallow our fear and pride, once again as the elected leader who has already been our abuser before puts his wishes ahead our ours, threatens us, taunts us and smirks at us, calling us fools for wanting someone more principled, more honest, more compassionate than him.
I can no more save you from having to breathe through these triggering days than you can me, but I can remind you to look away when it gets to be too much, to find something beautiful, even if it is standing right in the middle of the swamp. Train your eyes upon it, breathe. Ask yourself to stand a little taller. Breathe again, this time a little deeper.
Repeat. Repeat again…
Walk. Walk some more. Say something kind to someone else who seems weighed down. Stop to listen to the nattering of a bird, scratch a dog behind the ears, bake cookies, light incense, turn off your television, call your daughter, slice an apple, wear your favorite fuzzy socks, tell someone you love and almost never tell anymore, that you love them. Make a playdate with your inner child.
Turn your focus toward something you love, something worthy of your love,
…worthy of your contemplation and respect.
My Heart recognized a Friend when I read this post this morning. I felt it in my body—especially my heart. I had a childhood perpetrator—my father—who imploded my family with his sickness and cunning manipulation of my sisters and me.
I have been exceedingly fortunate to have had wise and compassionate “helpers” over the years, along with the natural world, which is a magical, loving constant in my life.
I’m still learning—I have great curiosity and determination to live my life as gently and robustly as possible. It is an adventure each day.
When Trump was elected, I saw the face of my father so intensely that I needed to return to therapy. I sheepishly told her that I was experiencing triggers of trauma constantly. She looked at me and said, “You have no idea how many of my patients are going through similar reactions as you are.”
As we approach the last few days of this election season, I am grappling with the return of the abuser, as you so succinctly described in your piece.
You have gently but firmly turned our faces to what is in face darkness and what some name as “evil.” It is necessary to do this for our wellbeing. When we have the courage to do so, we gain the wisdom of understanding. And with that, is a lifting of the denial. We are able to offer ourselves the hope and faith of consciously choosing the joy of the great blue herons (we have them here along the grand Mississippi River). The oh so sweet hug of a child. A really good cup of coffee. A letter from an old friend. Our eyes are fully open to life. To it all.
Thank you for this. I am choosing to “Be watchful,” and to “Tend the fire.”
And to look up at the night sky filled with stars.
How did we ever get here. And what does that say about so many of our fellow Americans, our neighbors, friends and family. A gaping crevasse between loved ones, initially formed by one foul mouth and a copious amount of lies. How do we ever forgive or heal. How do we forget idiocy. I have done almost all those things on your list. Thank you for sharing yours. I’ve added a few extras of my own, like reading your words and knowing, though Seattle is miles away from Vermont, you are standing next to me.
“…to find something beautiful…” like focusing on your gorgeous photography of one of my favorite birds (if there is such a thing to have favorites in the bird world ) the Great Blue was my first introduction to bird watching, a ‘century ago’ when I was in high school. They hold a special place in my heart. Heart focus, another to add to my list.
Oh, and hope, I’m focusing on hope.